Monday, 20 February 2017

Vic on the Radio

Many years ago, further back than I care to remember, I used to present a Sunday Program on the Radio entitled "Time for Reflections".

Here's a short recording from that show.

Saturday, 18 February 2017

Be of Good Cheer

Thursday, 16 February 2017

Terrible News of Gloom and Doom

Let's get straight to the point, un-pallatable as it may be, the world is heading for the Apocalypse. And this is how it happens, according to latest, and very accurate, research by various scientists.

The sun, the source of all energy to this planet, will run out of fuel in approximately a billion years time. As it runs out of the very essence that makes it burn so brightly, the sun itself will implode on itself very much like a shrinking balloon or ball and enter a self-created black hole sucking in the whole universe, including the earth, within it.

Coinciding with such an event, and perhaps related to it, a whole galaxy of stars will be drawn towards the earth and crash it with such force resulting in extreme thunder and lightning and fires consuming the planet and all upon and within it.

However, horrible as this scenario may be, yet another un-related event, is likely to happen many centuries earlier which will result in the extinction of the human race.

This is due to the fact of an inherent faulty Y chromosome in men. Since it is the male chromosome which determines the sex of a baby being born, this faulty Y chromosome will drastically reduce the number of males being born to humankind to the point where eventually only females will be produced. As the number of men is reduced to zero the whole reproduction system will be in jeopardy and humanity will cease to exist; unless science can find a solution before then. Which seems highly unlikely.

Consequently, the human race will be faced with yet another disaster as there will be no men to catch the spiders when they fall in the bath.

The population of spiders will increase drastically as they breed in every bath in the world and climb upon each other to escape out of the bathroom and spread throughout the world.

There will be spiders' webs everywhere getting thicker and thicker and stronger and able to trap bigger preys other than flies and insects.

Instead, the webs will be full of all kinds of animals and birds, and even humans, who happened to get caught and served as a meal to such giant spiders.

With cows being eaten to extinction there will be a world shortage of burgers which will in itself precipitate the Apocalypse.

As already scientifically proven, the cow's digestive system produces large amounts of methane gas contributing to global warming. With such a drastic reduction in the world's cows population this will greatly precipitate a new ice age - known as a Popsicle.

One glimmer of light in the horizon is that scientists and others have often wrongly predicted the end of the world.

Remember when they said the world will end in 2012?

Of course, the world did not end in 2012 because we had the London Olympics in the UK and we had spent a lot of tax payers' money preparing for it. The Government, therefore, decreed by Act of Parliament that the end of the world would be postponed until the country has had an opportunity to recoup the investment made in organising and running the Olympics Games.

Once again, Britain led the world and saved it at the same time. By its example, it seems humanity has a real chance to avoid such world-ending disasters predicted by scientific research. 

It is suggested that world Governments should hold regularly big events such as the Olympic Games, or other sporting or musical events, at yearly intervals so that people have something to look forwards to and not worry about the shortage of burgers and fries.

Additionally, it is recommended that menfolk should teach their wives and girl-friends how to catch spiders out of bath tubs.

Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Important Scientific Facts You Should Know

I was reading a science book the other day and I was fascinated by the number of facts which I did not know. In fact the more I read the more I realised how much I did not know and how ignorant I really am.

For example; did you know that the majority of men with beards (about 68%) sleep with their beards tucked under the bed covers rather than over the bed covers?

And that beards grow faster and longer than hair on men's heads?

Human ears grow bigger in proportion to the rest of our bodies as we grow older? I knew an old man once with very large ears sticking out quite a bit. He looked like a car with its doors open. When he was outdoors, at the slightest gust of wind he would pirouette round like a hotel revolving door.

Did you know that if you had a meal in a restaurant that is totally dark you would not be able to tell the difference between steak and a beefburger?

Did you also know that if you're in a vacuum and you shout loud no one would hear you? And it would make no difference whether the vacuum cleaner is switched on or off, or whether the bag is full of dirt and dust or whether it is empty?

Do you realise that if you had a small bird in a cage, and as you happen to weigh the cage, if the bird jumped up from its perch then its weight would not register on the scale? Also, if you were to weigh the cage under water the small bird would drown?

And in order to peel and cut an onion without tears you have to do it under water; that is if you can hold your breath for that long?

Did you know that Absolute Zero is the lowest possible temperature you can ever get to? You just cannot get any lower than Absolute Zero. It is in fact -273.15° on the Celsius scale and -459.67° on the Fahrenheit scale. It is over 100 kilos on the bathroom scale if you have been over-eating lately.

At Absolute Zero nothing really happens. The buses will not run so it is pointless waiting for them at the bus stop. And don’t even be tempted to lick the bus stop sign whilst you're there because there may be all sort of germs on it.

Absolute Zero is also what most men get from their wives when they've said or done something that upsets them. 

Moving up from Absolute Zero, the highest temperature that has ever been recorded is on a ladder 35 feet tall. It was when an amorous young knight in Olde England attempted to deliver a plate of spaghetti to his paramour who was trapped in a tower because the door was frozen solid and he couldn't turn the key in the lock.

Which reminds me … I once saw a ghost with an eye-patch! He said he was going through the keyhole when someone put the key in.

Here's a short video about viruses which you should watch for your own health.

Sunday, 12 February 2017

Kyrie Eleison

Originally, the Mass in Eastern Europe, where it started, was celebrated in Greek.

With time, as Christianity spread further West into Europe it was celebrated in Latin.

And as time moved on, it is now celebrated in English, or whichever language is spoken in the Country where Mass is celebrated.

Except for three words which have survived time and are still from the original Greek Mass.

Kyrie Eleison
Christe Eleison

Meaning "Lord have mercy" and "Christ have mercy".

It is important to remember that by "Lord", or "Sir" we do not mean that we look up to Our Lord as some Master or Ruler. In this context, the word "Kyrie" means "Lord" in the sense of a child looking up to one's loving parent and asking for help, love, guidance and protection.

So when we sing at Mass "Kyrie Eleison" we look up to God our loving Father and ask Him to be always by our side and have mercy on us. And we call upon Christ His Son, in the same prayer.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Strange encounter at the restaurant

A most odd thing happened to me at the restaurant the other day. I was at a business meeting and I took the client I was with, Veronique Tombal, to a French restaurant.

She had frogs' legs; but I'll admit the rest of her body was superb.

Anyway, we sat down at table and after ordering our meals I asked for a bottle of Beaujolais. The waiter brought the bottle and, as is customary, he poured a few drops in a glass to be tasted first. Then, to my surprise, he picked up the glass and tasted it himself. I've never ever seen such a thing before. Usually, it is the customer who tastes the wine, and usually says something complementary about it as it is served to all at table.

But this time, the waiter, or sommelier as he is known, tasted the wine himself. Stranger still, he then declared, "Oh non monsieur ... ziz wine, eet haz been corked. Eet ees no good! I will gett anozer bottle!"

He then went away and returned with another bottle, which he opened there and then and pouring a drop or two in a glass he tasted it again.

"Zis one is better!" he said, as he served me and my business client.

Then, even more stranger, he poured wine in the glass he had already used for himself and sat with us at table.

I did not know what to say or do. I did not want to seem ungracious and tell him to go away, and before I had time to speak he said, "Eet eez very important to make sure ze wine eet has not been corked. Zis ees when ze bottle haz been badly opened and ze wine has touched ze cork and ze atmosphere at ze same time. Ze wine eez zen ruined."

"I see," I said, not having understood a word. Veronique smiled and said nothing.

"Wine, ees a very important part of ze meal," he continued, "especially in la belle France!"

Veronique smiled and asked, "Avez-vous toujours été un sommelier?" Meaning, have you always been a wine waiter?

"Oh non, madame ..." he declared, "before zat I was a snail farmer. I used to farm snails for ze best restaurants in Paris. Eet was a slow job sometimes aving to round zem up for ze night! I ad a sheep dog which walked slowly around ze field and he pushed ze snails with hiz nose in ze direction of ze barn where we kept ze snails for ze night! 

"Wee started at about 2 in ze afternoon and got all ze snails in ze barn by 6 in ze evening. 

"Ze next morning wee let zem out again to go in ze field for a promenade and to eat ze fresh grass."

"That's not how you farm snails," I said quietly.

"Oh monsieur, ours were ze free range snails. Not ze snails in cages. Wee let zem out in ze morning to walk freely in ze meadows and to tip ze toe through ze too lips!"

Veronique and I smiled and said nothing.

"One day we ad ze break-out!" he continued as he ordered another bottle of Beaujolais from the waiter serving our meals.

"You mean a break-in!" I corrected.

"Non monsieur," he replied, "a break out. During ze night some snails zey climbed up ze barn door and opened ze latch which held ze door closed. All ze snails zey escaped.

"In ze morning wee started a search for zem. Wee searched all around ze farm for a ten metres radius and wee did not find zem. Not even one. Zey ad all escaped. So wee brought in ze police elicopters to fly up and search wider. Wee widened ze search by anozer alf metre all around but wee found nothing. Zee snails ad travelled more than ten and a alf metres in one day!"

"Why did you not search further and for longer?" I asked.

"Oh monsieur, "he replied, "it waz ze time for the petit déjeuner ... ze breaky fast ... you know ... du pain, du vin et du fromage!"

Veronique and I looked at each other and smiled.

"And now monsieur et madame I ave to go and serve anozer table. Merci beaucoup for allowing me to taste your wine.

"May I try one of your escargots, pleeze?" he said as he picked a snail from my plate and left mumbling to himself, "eet needs more of ze garlique!!!"        

Saturday, 4 February 2017

An Appeal to all my readers

I am compiling, putting together, my latest book which will be entitled "Much Ado About Laughter".

It will be available in paperback, and possibly Kindle format, and will consist of a selection of short humourous stories which have been published here on this Blog and have attracted the most favourable comments and reactions. Basically, it will be a souvenir edition of humourous stories by yours truly which I have loved and laughed at whilst writing them and which have hopefully amused you too.

I need your help with this latest offering to the small select readership who are my loyal followers and supporters.

I would like you to choose the story, or stories, which you have most liked and suggest them for inclusion in this book. So basically, you choose the story and, if you wish, I will mention your name: "Story selected by ... ..." at the end of the story you select.

You can choose the story or stories you like most by clicking HERE.

Remember, it must be a humourous story rather than one of my Christian articles. I find that humourous stories and books tend to attract a new readership which, hopefully, get to read my Christian articles and get to experience God's love.

Thank you and may God bless you. 

Thursday, 2 February 2017

What a Camelot of problems

Once upon a time there was an old nomadic trader who got tired of his way of life and wanted to retire. He called his three children and told them to take over the business. To help them start he decided to divide his herd of 11 camels amongst them.

He said: "The youngest amongst you should have 1/6 of my camels. The eldest should have 1/2 of my camels. And the one born second should have 1/4 of my camels!"

The children took away the 11 camels and discussed amongst themselves how they are to divide them. However they started, they had to kill at least one camel and divide it amongst them; which was a waste.


Work it out for a while before looking down at the answer ... It can be done with a little lateral thinking. I know the temptation is there to look for the answer, but don't do so right away.

Meanwhile ... here is a short interlude.

By the way, did you know that a camel with one hump is called a dromedary?
And a camel with two humps is called a bactrian camel.
And a camel with three humps is called Humphrey?

OK ... now let's go back to the three brothers and their problem.

The three brothers went to see the elder of the village and told him their problem. He asked them to bring his own camel which was tied to a palm tree. He now had 12 camels in the herd.

He gave the youngest brother 1/6 of the herd - which is 2 camels.

He gave the eldest brother 1/2 of the herd - which is 6 camels.

He then gave the other brother 1/4 of the herd - which is 3 camels.

He then asked them to tie his camel back to the palm tree.
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