There I was busy writing an urgent report which just had to be finished for work that day when the phone rings.
"Hello ... yes, it's me. How can I help you?
"No thank you, I do not need to have new windows fitted in my house. Why? Because I live in a tent, that's why. Good bye!"
I got back to work. A few minutes later the phone rings again.
"Hello ... how can I help you? No thank you I do not have time right now to take part in a shopping survey. It's too inconvenient right now ... why? Because a horse has just got in my house through the window and left a pile on the carpet which I have to clean up before my wife gets home! The vacuum cleaner does not work. So unless you can deliver a new vacuum cleaner in the next ten seconds. Good bye!"
I put the phone down feeling proud of my impromptu response which made me laugh even if it did not amuse the other person at the end of the phone. Why do they phone when I'm busy? I have to answer the phone because I'm expecting an urgent call from a work colleague. So I can't leave the answer-phone machine to take the calls. (I remembered later about call-screening).
I get back to work. The door bell rings. I open the door. Someone is standing there with a collecting tin.
"This is a collection for fallen women!" he said.
"Sorry ... I haven't got any here!" I reply flippantly.
Then, feeling a little guilty I give him a penny. That's four pennies I have already given away in this season of good will. Why do these people with collection tins make you feel so guilty in your own home? A few weeks ago it was trick or treat. I had to split a bar of chocolates into 16 little pieces to give away that night. I really don't understand the benefit in all these giving donations. You give money away and don't get any benefit from the transaction. What's so clever about that?
I get back to work and the phone rings again.
"Hello ... goodbye ... go away!" I shout.
"Oh sorry auntie ... I did not know it was you? Is it urgent? Only I have a lot to do right now ...
"No of course you're not interrupting auntie ... only, I have to finish some work and then go to the vet ... no, I am not with Yvette. Yes, I know she is a wonderful young lady. Yes ... I know she has been a bit down-hearted lately. Ever since her poinsettia plant died. I know they're delicate plants, auntie ...
"What is it I can do for you auntie? Can it wait or is it urgent?
"No ... I said I am not busy with Yvette. I was due to go to the vet.
"No not a bet ... you know I don't bet. I said VET with a V not a B ... No auntie, I am not shouting. There's nothing wrong with my vest. (Sotto Voce - Deaf Old Trout). No I did not say Deaf Old Trout ... I said I agree there is no need to shout.
"Oh ... don't be upset auntie ... I'll come over to see you later OK? I'll buy you some flowers and some chocolates to cheer you up. Hello? I can't hear you auntie ... I am loosing the connection ... the train is going into a tunnel and I'll loose the ..."
I put the phone down with a smile wondering whether she will ever realise she had phoned me at home and not on my cell-phone.
The phone rings again.
"Hello auntie ... yes, I can hear you OK. The house has just got out of the tunnel. Bing Bong. Bing Bong. Sorry auntie. I have to go now. There's someone at the door."
I put the phone down. It rings again immediately. It is my works colleague. The report I am writing is not that urgent now. Management needs it in a week's time. Merry Christmas!