Monday, 2 March 2015

About me - All revealed

A number of readers ask in the comments box whether all the things I write about here actually happen to me or not. Well ... what can I say. Truth is stranger than fiction and a number of my stories are based on an element of fact whereas others are the product of an ever awake imagination. I won't tell you which is which though but here's a selection.

Years ago I was mugged in London. A young man held a plastic knife at me and said "Your money or your life!" It took me a few minutes to decide what to do. I thought he said "Your money or your wife!" As she wasn't with me at the time I did not see how I could make a deal.

He said "Hurry up. I ain't got all day mate!"

I gave him the only two coins I had to save my life. A 50 pence piece and a 10 pence piece. He looked at them in disgust, took them and ran away.

When I went to the police they asked me for a description. I told them the 50 pence piece was dated 2002 and the other one 2004. They never found my coins and returned them.

Like most people, I like to save money. It takes a long time to earn it so why throw it away? I remember being asked some years back for a pet spider as a birthday present. I went to our local pet shop and they were asking for £70 for a large tame and harmless hairy spider. Can you imagine? £70? Anyway, I left the shop empty handed and got one cheaper off the web.

On the way home I passed the baker and went in. "I'd like to buy a wasp!" I said to the assistant behind the counter. He looked at me in amazement and said "We don't sell wasps!" I replied "You have one in your shop window!"

Another little known fact about me is that I am good at mathematics; especially statistics. For instance, did you know that statistically speaking , 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy?

Unfortunately I have a troublesome neighbour. Always complaining about me, he is. The other night he came knocking on my door at 2:30am in the morning. Can you believe that? 2:30 in the morning! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I was once lost on Mount Snowden in Wales when mountaineering. It was getting rather dark and it started to rain. I thought at the time that this was the end of me. After hours of shivering in the cold rain and nearing death I heard voices shouting “Victor … Victor … are you out there? It’s the Red Cross!” I had to shout back at the top of my voice so they could hear me “I’ve already donated at the office!” Honestly, why do these people come out to collect money on mountains in such bad weather instead of rescuing lost people like myself?

On another occasion I had a similar experience with some friends on the same mountain in Wales. I was hesitant going up with them because of my last experience but they assured me it would be OK. Half way up it started to rain heavily and we all sheltered behind a big rock for about half-an-hour. I was freezing and wanted to go down again; but they wanted to continue up and were reluctant to let me go down alone.

Fortunately, minutes later it started clearing up and a German tourist couple, husband and wife, came down the mountain. It was agreed that I would follow them down to safety.

They marched ahead talking loudly to each other and I followed like a faithful dog a few paces behind. After a while they separated; the man going one way and the woman another. I had to decide quickly who to follow. The woman walked slower and would be easier for me to follow down the somewhat dangerous mountain. On the other hand, better follow the man just in case he got the wrong idea.

I followed him a while then he stopped against a tree to have a pee. When he heard me behind him he turned round and said a few things in his native language. I doubt he was complimetary judging by his tone of voice.

When I was involved in politics years ago, in an open debate with a live audience in a packed hall, the other politician accused me of lacking vision because I wore socks of different color.

I explained that I was open-minded. He replied “There’s no point in being so open-minded that your brains fall out!”

At a radio interview during the election campaign I was asked by a caller what I wanted for Christmas. I said “A pair of slippers”. The following day the newspapers said “Victor wants a pair of slippers whilst his opponent wants to improve life for the community of this town”.

Needless to say I didn’t win the election. Even my Electoral Agent refused to vote for me.

At a business lunch I surprised my guests by ordering the whole meal in French. It was an Italian restaurant. We had pizza. The waiter asked me whether I wanted mine cut into six or eight slices. I said “Cut it in six … I’m not that hungry to eat eight!”

When I was young a group of us from work were at a Conference in a City up North. After the evening meal, my boss, a woman in her early thirties, went up to her room and asked me discretely to follow her a few minutes later. She gave me a duplicate plastic card to use in that contraption which opens the hotel room door. She said she wanted to discuss my annual appraisal report.

A few minutes later I entered her room and it was empty. I said loudly "Hello ... anyone here?"

Her voice replied from the bathroom, "I'm in the shower. Come in!"

I was astounded and frightened at this request which sounded more like a command. My boss had a reputation but I never quite believed it. I did not know what to do, especially since my future career at this firm depended so much on my boss and her appraisal of me. I hesitated for a while.

"Get a move on," she cried impatiently from the bathroom, "I'm not going to wait all night!" Those were her exact words; I still remember them clearly. She obviously meant business and my annual appraisal was at stake.

I was totally confused. I sought guidance from my Catechism but I could not find an answer in a hurry. They really should have a better index in those books.

I took off my jacket and put it on the back of the chair. Then I took off my shoes. I had a big hole in one of my socks!

Before I could go on any further she came out of the bathroom fully clothed and speaking on her cell-phone. Apparently you get a better reception in the shower than anywhere else in her hotel room.

"Why have you taken your shoes off?" she asked.

"I did not want to dirty the carpet!" I replied unconvincingly.

I wonder if she believed me.

Some years ago I stayed at a haunted castle in Scotland as a guest of an old family friend. During the night, whilst I was in bed I heard  a sound in the room. There by my bedside was a tall ghostly figure of a woman standing still. She looked a lot like Gloria Gaynor standing there silently. At first I was afraid ... then I was petrified!

And now I am imagining the look on your faces reading this!

16 comments:

  1. So wonderfully clever and welcoming this morning here. It's cold and dreary, and I must stop complaining!!! Just saying, "You made me smile!!!!"

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    1. It's so good to smile a little every day, Cathy. It tells God that we are happy.

      God bless you. (It's still a little cold in the UK).

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  2. VICTOR VICTOR--HOW I MISSED YOUR WIT!

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    1. We missed your visits here too, Lulu. We hope and pray you are well.

      God bless.

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  3. Oh, Victor, you are such a gifted writer!
    Blessings!

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    Replies
    1. Hello Sara,

      How nice to see you visiting here. Thank you.

      I'm glad you liked my writing. There are plenty of FREE books which you can download from my website. Click TOP LEFT tab.

      God bless.

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  4. How fun! A great read for a Monday! Have a good week!

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    1. Great to see you visiting here, Mary. Thanx.

      Glad you enjoyed my post. God bless you.

      Delete
  5. Hahaha, too funny, especially the one with your boss in the shower. Now, frankly, between me and you (shhh, don't let anyone else hear), I don't believe any of this. ;)

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    1. There's quite a lot of this which is true Manny. Embellished perhaps but still true. I'm glad I made you smile though. It pleases me most when my readers have a good chuckle at what I write.

      God bless you my friend.

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  6. You spoil us. Thank you again for these gifts and the laughter (and religion) you put into our lives.

    God Bless you.

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    1. Hi Michael,

      Thank you for the compliments. Much appreciated.

      Quite a bit of what I say is true too. And when I remember it, it makes me smile.

      God bless.

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  7. I'm so confused by not understanding what is fact and fiction, that I think I need your prayers! No matter - laughter is good medicine.

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    1. Thank you for visiting me here Blossom. I am praying for you.

      God bless you.

      Delete

I PRAY FOR ALL WHO COMMENT HERE.

God bless you.

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