Friday, 17 January 2014

Intrepid Gertrude



We went as a family to a town not so far away for a short holiday break. It was also an opportunity to take our Australian Auntie Gertrude out sightseeing.

One evening, whilst the rest of the family decided to stay in the hotel, Auntie and I took the bus to town to visit the museum. Afterwards we decided to go for a short walk in a nearby park and perhaps enjoy a meal in a restaurant before going back to the hotel.

Despite her outspoken personality Auntie Gertrude can be quite nice at times and good company. Especially when reminiscing on times past when as a young woman she went to Australia to start a new life.

It was early dusk as we walked through the park when suddenly, out of the bushes, a young man stepped out towards us brandishing a small knife.

“Quick … give me your wallet mister!” He said menacingly waving his hand left and right.

I froze and felt my knees starting to tremble a little.

“Call that a knife, cobber?” said Auntie, for ever not knowing when to keep quiet, “ye’re pathetic mate, and ought to be ashamed of yourself! In Australia we use such a small blade to pick food from our teeth!”

The young man kept eyeing us both and moving his hand left and right ready to thrust the knife forward.

“Hurry up. Give me your wallet!” he threatened moving his hand slightly forward towards me.

I was really frightened by the whole experience and must have cried a little because I felt tears trickling down my leg.

“You too old woman …” he said, “give me your handbag!”

“No worries mate,” replied Auntie, “you can have it!”  

And with that she swung the handbag in the air and hit him right in the face.

I don’t know what she carries in that bag; six cans of amber nectar for all I know. But as soon as it hit him the man fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

“You’ve killed him!” I exclaimed.

The man attempted to get up and reach out for the knife which he had dropped.

Auntie quickly stepped on his hand with her foot. For some reason she always wears slightly raised shoes with a heavy heel the size of a small brick.

The man screamed in agony.

“Quick cobber!” she cried out, “grab the knife!”

As I picked up the knife she quickly walked away towards the exit of the park. I followed her as fast as I could and eventually threw the knife in one of the bushes.

By the time I reached her she’d already stopped a taxi.

I said nothing throughout the journey. And to be fair she did not mention the incident at all. Not even to the rest of the family when we got to the hotel.

“Come on cobber,” she said, “let’s call the family and gather in the restaurant. I’m so hungry I could eat a kangaroo!”

16 comments:

  1. Love it!!! "So hungry I could eat a kangaroo!" This is classic!!! You made my day!!!! Have a grand weekend! Cathy

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    1. Thank you Cathy for your cheerful comment. I wish you a splendid weekend.

      God bless you.

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  2. Oh Victor, cantankerous she might be but a great Sheila none the less!
    Yeah for Aunt Gertrude!
    P.S. Dare I say she reminds me a little of my Granny? Same spunky attitude and you should have seen the ring of keys she use to carry 'just in case' she often said as a 'deterrent'!

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    1. She looked like a Ninja Karate Aussie Turtle. Well done Aunt Gertrude and also your Granny.

      God bless you. Noelle.

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  3. "and must have cried a little because I felt tears trickling down my leg"

    One of the funniest lines you have ever written, and that is saying a lot.

    God Bless.

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    1. Thank you Michael. I hope it brought a smile to your face.

      God bless you.

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  4. LOL!!! Wait, is this a Father Ignatius story or is this true? Maybe I'm confused. Is Aunt Gertrude your real aunt or is she a character in your stories? Too funny either way. :))))

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    1. Hi Manny,
      Every writer often mixes reality with fiction in his stories. Aunt Gertrude is based on a number of people (and relatives) whom I have known in my time; and so are the stories which I tell.

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this story. Thanx for letting me know.

      I hope to publish an Aunt Gertrude book soon. In the meantime, perhaps you'd enjoy my Father Ignatius books. Download yours FREE from the link at top left.

      God bless you.

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    2. An Aunt Gertrude would be great!

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    3. Yeh ... I suppose you're right.

      God bless.

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  5. I could use Aunt Gertrude as a walking partner! I wish I had her confidence.

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    1. Hello Sarah,

      How nice to see you visiting here again. Thank you. Happy New Year to you and yours.

      God bless.

      Delete
  6. So you "cried" a little, did you? Lol. Great story, Victor! Your "Ninja Karate Aussie Turtle" Aunt is awesome!

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    1. Yes, Mary. I always cry when I'm frightened. It's embarrassing to see a grown up man cry.

      God bless.

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  7. Victor, I am not surprised to see Aunt Gertrude take that man to task. He didn't know who he was dealing with. From now on I bet every time he hears the word 'cobber' he's gonna run and maybe shed a few tears himself. LOL
    Blessings always +

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    1. Hi Caroline,

      Good point well made. Auntie acted like a Superman with no fear.

      God bless you.

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