Wednesday, 23 May 2012

At the vet


It’s that time of year again. I had to take the cat to the vet. Nothing serious of course, how could there be? This cat has nine lives and nine more to spare. He’s as agile and fit as can be with a brain as sharp as it could get and all too ready to plot against me and plan my downfall in my own domain.

If this cat was a politician he’d charm everyone so much that even his electoral opponent would vote for him. Fortunately he is a cat and no more than that … that’s what I keep convincing myself of. He is a cat whose only aim in life is to make mine miserable. He brings dead mice and birds in the house … a matter which I’ve complained about many times and I’ve been told that it’s only natural … He’s being friendly and wants to share his trophies with me. Well … thank you very much but I’m not interested. I’d rather he sticks to cat food like all civilised cats do.

I suppose I understand his instincts to prey on his victims and hunt them down … after all most politicians do that. But does he have to bring them into the house?

Anyway … back to my story before I got carried away! Figuratively speaking of course. I’m still sitting here relating my latest adventure. If I’d been literally carried away the story would have ended here and now. But it hasn’t. I hear some of you muttering “More’s the pity!” but that’s very unkind. After all I’m the victim here not the cat.

So I had to take him to the vet for his annual vaccinations. You know the kind … Immunisation against all sort of feline diseases and allergies appertaining to cats. Except being cunning, conniving, plotting and scheming … there’s no vaccinations for that apparently.

 First you have to put the cat in this small carrier cage especially designed for the purpose. Easier said than done … Have you ever seen one of those contraptions? They are small … cat sized actually … there’s no point in having a cage as big as a house is there? Difficult to carry for a start!

It’s a small box with a little door on the side. You open the door, put the cat in, and closed the door again. Simple … if the cat is willing to co-operate that is. It is dark in there and of course the cat is not interested is he? He’s had previous experience of that box. It always leads to the vet where bad things happen … as far as he’s concerned. And as far as I’m concerned too … have you seen how much the vet charges? His treatment costs more than the cat itself!

So I pick the cat … He hisses and struggles. He rolls round on his back to escape. He bares his teeth. He scratches for all he’s worth. He somehow manages to close the cage door just as I’m putting him in. The cage falls on the floor landing right on my foot. I jump and hobble in pain whilst the cat is permanently attached to my face with all claws drawn out like daggers. In my blind confusion I trip over the cage and land head first into the box of cat litter; whilst the cat escapes up a tree and laughs raucously at my misfortune.

Several attempts and First Aid plasters later the cat’s in the cage and we’re at the vet. And the same rigmarole starts again. The cat won’t come out of the cage. He wriggles and turns on the vet’s table. He runs up the curtains. We hunt him down and try to hold him still for a second or two whilst the vet prepares the injection. The cat hisses and scratches at the sight of the needle. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and all is over.

Now the vet did say that the injection is not harmful to humans … and the side effects are only temporary.

How could this be? If it’s not harmful then why have any side effects? Temporary or otherwise? In order to pacify me the vet agreed to waive the usual fee and asked me to come back next year without the cat.

The side effects of the injection are quite disturbing. I’ve noticed that recently I’ve started to lick my hands for no particular reason. I have an urge to climb trees and I sit purring happily at people when in public. It’s very embarrassing on crowded trains and buses … especially when I want to cuddle closely to people.

I went to see a psychiatrist. He said, “Get on the couch!” I told him I’m not allowed on the couch.

He gave me some red tablets to take once a day. I asked him what they do. He said “I don’t know. They’re samples I’ve received this morning and I’m trying them out on new patients!”

He asked me whether I get sudden headaches and pain on the knees. I said that I didn’t. He said that he’d had these symptoms for a week and couldn’t work out what it was.

He then gave me a saucer of milk and a piece of fish from his lunch box. He presented me with an invoice for $300. Can you imagine that? $300 for some milk and a piece of sardine sandwich!

That cured me instantly I tell you.

I said I’d report him to the Veterinary Society. He replied that he was not a vet.

“What business have you to treat a cat then?” I asked him directly.

He had no answer to that and he too agreed to waive his fee.

More cat stories in FELINE CATASTROPHES. Download your FREE copy from the link on the right.

14 comments:

  1. Hilarious!! You may not be allowed on the couch but I'm glad they still let you use the computer!

    God bless, Victor:-)

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  2. Thanx Vicky. Sometimes one's got to laugh at life's adventures.

    God bless you.

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  3. Victor,

    I thought our trips to the vet were difficult but yours was worse!

    Our cat hates the carrier too and mews all the time she is in the car. But when we arrive and I complain what a horrid cat she is, the vet just won't believe me. Our cat purrs and behaves herself beautifully and the vet thinks she is perfect. As soon as we get out the door and the cat sees the car again, the perfect cat disappears and the nightmare cat returns. This year's vaccinations are overdue. I haven't yet worked up the courage to drive the cat to town.

    I love all your cat stories, Victor. So do my girls. They make hilarious read aloud stories!

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  4. Thanx Sue,

    Pets have a way of showing us up and embarrassing us, don't they?

    God bless.

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  5. This is why I call your cat a demon cat! Your book Feline Catastrophes was hilarious!

    Coughing up any furballs yet? Lol!

    My cat drives me bananas when I put him in his carrier to go to the vet. He meows all the way there and back and it's an hour of meowing.

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  6. Hilarious! I love the part about wanting to climb trees and cuddle up to strangers.

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  7. Greetings Mary, Sarah and Annmarie Pipa,

    It's so nice to see you visiting me again and taking the trouble to write in. It really makes me feel appreciated and, which is really pleasing to me ... it makes my cat jealous to see that he is no longer the center of attention.

    He sits there hissing enviously as I check how many comments I've received on my Blog.

    So thank you for restoring slightly the balance of power in my household. As I sit here coughing yet another furball from the last encounter with the demon cat, I glow with pride that he turns green with envy.

    God bless you Mary, Sarah and Annmarie Pipa.

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  8. Funny comment :) Never trust a cat though - they do sneak attacks. Next thing you know he'll be starting his own blog about the miseries of living with humans!

    Our cat is sneaky and hides behind walls and pounces on the dogs. Attacks me during the middle of the night too!

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  9. I wonder what my cat's Blog would say about me!

    Your cat attacks you Mary? Sounds just like mine. Must be a catspiracy against humans.

    God bless you, Mary.

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  10. I noticed something about cats and dogs. They seem to know ahead of time what you're thinking. Thus, they put up a fight like your cat with the crate.

    Our first dog hated baths. I'd have to chase him all over the house to pick him up and get him into the tub. He'd stretch out all four legs at every door way to try to prevent me from advancing to the tub. It was such a struggle. We finally gave up and let the experts at the doggie spas do the work.

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  11. I know exactly what you mean Barb. Our dog hates baths too.

    God bless.

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  12. sorry, i'm going to break the chain here. my cat is eight years old and cannot be bothered to put up a fight when we take him to the vet. everytime we enter the room, he starts purring louder and louder. he does think he is the king though.

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  13. Cats are always kings Saracose.

    Thank you so much for visiting me and for your comments.

    God bless.

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God bless you.

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